Haven Help Us (It Won’t)

SyFy has a new series. It is called Haven. It is sadly uninteresting. And by “sadly uninteresting” I mean “I’m not sure I can write an entire paragraph about it.” Considering how verbose I am, that is damned depressing. Only the pilot has aired so far, so that potentially leaves room for growth. But for that to happen, someone should probably find this show some steroids.

Haven is set in Maine. I really feel like that’s all I should have to say, but I’ll continue. The series follows an FBI agent’s adventures in a town where weird things happen. The FBI agent, Audrey Parker, in question is an orphan with a mysterious past. Presumably some sort of overarching plot will surface at some point. (Note: the series is based on Stephen King’s novel The Colorado Kid.)

The spunky female protagonist (Emily Rose) is spunky, and also attractive and semi-accident prone. The attractive male lead (Lucas Bryant) is attractive, and also unable to feel pain. The requisite love triangle is rounded out by Eric Balfour, who I can’t make fun of just because I love him so much. There are a couple of characters named Frohike and Langley *COUGH* I mean Vince and Dave who are wacky news reporter sidekicks. The rest of the town is populated by various wacky Northeasterner-type individuals including a man name Conrad and his weather-kinetic not-girlfriend Marion. The cast of characters is rounded out by Audrey’s boss Morrison, who is pretty much just Phillip Broyles with a mustache.

Basically, Haven is just a shitty cut-and-paste of elements from Fringe, The X-Files, and the stencil SyFy uses for all its original series (i.e. Warehouse 13 and Eureka), complete with the production we have come to expect from this channel: semi-unfortunate special effects, mediocre CGI, and an overwrought soundtrack. If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother – you aren’t missing much.

I may or may not watch another episode ever. I’m sort of curious to see if it improves. But most likely that curiosity will only be fulfilled if I am incredibly bored someday.

Still curious? You can find the pilot on Hulu. New episodes air Friday at 10pm on SyFy.

Quotes (slightly redemptive…almost!)

“Is the weather ever normal here?” “It’s, uh, normal for Maine.”

“The guy’s not all bad. He saved my life, and then he served me coffee.”

“We have somethin’ for ya.” “Vince, relax, it isn’t a puppy.”

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  • forensicfanatic  On July 13, 2010 at 7:10 AM

    After watching the pilot, I’ve decided to stick around because I like the concept. Pilots are always notoriously bad so as a rule, I stick around for the first 5-6 episodes before making a final judgment. This show has the potential to be something really cool so I’ll be around for a while until proven otherwise.

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